Faith
by Yuugi Motoh
Summary: A conversation between a spirit and his light-- Yugi's point of view; companion piece to


FAITH  
a Yu-Gi-Oh fanfiction by Yuugi Motoh (yuugimotoh@aol.com)  
  
DISCLAIMER: the author of this story does not own any of the characters featured herein. This is written as a non-profit fan fiction and is not intended to infringe on the copyrights of Kazuki Takahasi (creator of Yu-Gi-Oh!), UpperDeck, 4Kids, Shonen Jump, or any and all other entities connected with the card game, anime, or manga.   
  
TIMELINE: this takes place somewhere during the "Battle City" arc, when the Rare Hunters are still after Yugi Moto and his friends, and is meant as a companion piece to 'Promise Me Tomorrow'. If there are any inconsistencies, the author apologizes in advance. (I've only been watching for 2 months) The American names/spellings will be used for the most part, since that's what I'm most familiar with. Arigato.  
  
=================================  
  
_You could say I lost my faith in science and progress   
You could say I lost my belief in the holy church   
You could say I lost my sense of direction  
You could say all of this and worse, but  
If I ever lose my faith in you  
There'd be nothing left for me to do  
_  
  
I can't sleep.  
  
That's nothing new. If I get wound up about something (doesn't matter if it's good or bad), I just keep right on running till I fall over, thud. I've woken up plenty of times with my nose on my desk where I was putting a new model together the night before. Sometimes I've woken up in bed and figured Grandpa came up and tucked me in, because I sure don't remember climbing into bed myself.  
  
This... isn't one of the good times.  
  
I sit up and look over at the clock. 1:45 AM. Eeeegh, I'm gonna be dead tomorrow in class. And THEN I've gotta go out after school and try to pick up a few more Duels. Let's see... yep, still here under my pillow. Four Locator cards. Just two more to go.  
  
Either Kaiba's got a really lousy sense of timing or this is all a set-up. And we're not the only ones who're getting set up, either. I get the feeling Kaiba's in as much danger as we are. I just wish I knew WHY!... Well, I know part of 'why'. It's sitting right there on the nightstand beside me. I tried sleeping with it on, but it kept poking me in the chest when I rolled over, so I figured it'd be okay if I just had it right where I could grab it.  
  
My Millenium Puzzle.  
  
More than that, the spirit that lives inside it.  
  
The light from outside makes it glow a little. It's always a little shimmery. I used to think it was just because it's gold, but I'm not sure any more.   
  
I'm not sure of a lot of things any more.  
  
I want to pick it up. Hold it. But I don't want to do that either, because if I do, I'll wake him up. Not that I think he's really asleep, but the second I touch the Puzzle he'll know I'm out here, and he'll know I'M not asleep. I think he can sort of know if I'm around if I'm not touching it, but having it on is the the big thing that connects us. And I don't want to worry him. We've, I've, he's, got enough to worry about already.   
  
('I don't have time for surprises.')  
  
Yeah... But I thought it would be good for you. I mean, don't you get lonely in there? I sure would. I want you to know you just don't have to come out whenever I'm Duelling. You have a right to come out and just DO stuff. Relax, take a walk, catch a movie, go shopping...   
  
Have a life.  
  
I want you to have a life of your own. I don't want you to ever think I'm trying to keep you locked away. I want to give you back the time you lost when... whatever it was... happened to make you part of the Puzzle. Did you die? Did you CHOOSE to be in there? If you DID choose, why? If you didn't, who put you in there? Was it a punishment, a reward, some kind of sacrifice, an accident? Hello, God, I need an instruction book here! 'Care and Feeding of your Yami' or something.  
  
Yami...  
  
I feel like a complete wimp. I need to stand on my own feet, and instead I'm sitting here wishing you were out here with me so I could talk to you. You never talk down to me. Nobody that knows me ever REALLY talks down to me, but sometimes I get a little tired of people assuming I'm only 11 or 12 tops.   
  
Trouble is, I can't blame them, because I don't ACT much like I'm not really 11 or 12. I don't FEEL like I'm older than that. I know I ought to, I'm 16, almost grown up. Sometimes that seems even less real than all this stuff with the Millenium Items. Being an adult... I just can't get my head around it.. But I guess it's okay, Grandpa doesn't seem to mind, Joey and Tristan and Téa don't mind, I think they kind of like it. It's sort of like they all share a kid brother. And I don't mind being that at ALL.   
  
I'm sure not acting very grown up right now. I'm scared. I'm scared, and I wish I could crawl under my pillow and make Malik go away. He had so much HATE in his voice when he was talking to me through Arcane. As if he didn't just hate Yami; as if he hated me too, couldn't stand the sight of me. But what'd I ever do to HIM? I don't even KNOW the guy!  
  
*sigh*  
  
Bully magnet. That's me. I've got this billboard over my head that says, 'Easy target'. I get tired of that too. But I'm not about to let anyone push me around. I don't care how many times they knock me over, I'm gonna get right back up. That's the only way to beat a bully at his own game. If you give up, even once, he's got you where he wants you. As long as you can stand back up, it doesn't matter if he beats you up. You're not beaten up inside, where the real you lives.  
  
And there goes my hand, reaching out. The metal's a little cool, but not as much as it ought to be, and as soon as I touch it:  
  
--Are you all right?  
  
I nod, dragging a hand over my forehead, the other one cradling the Puzzle. --Yeah, I'm ok. I just can't sleep. Too hot tonight or something. I'm sorry if I disturbed you.   
  
--Would you like to talk about it?  
  
I look up at him, then nod. --Can we?  
  
He sits down beside me and holds out his arms. That's all the invitation I need; I scootch right over and put my arms around him. Joey teases me sometimes about being too huggy-feely, people are gonna think I'm a nancy boy or something. But hugging someone I care about makes both of us feel better.  
  
--So why ARE you still awake.It's nearly two in the morning.   
  
--I know. I just... I feel stupid. I'm too old to act like this. I'm not a little kid anymore. I shouldn't be jumping at shadows.  
  
--Fear seldom respects age. And, oh yes, I see that you are an ancient man, how could I miss the white hair and wrinkles. Indeed you are a sage, wise elder. I bow to your whole decade and a half of wisdom.  
  
I can hear the laughter in his voice, and it makes mine come out before I know it's even there. I whack him on the chest (not hard) and tell him --Stop that!  
  
--It made you feel better though.  
  
And that's why he did it too. --Yeah. Thanks.  
  
  
_Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world   
You could say I lost my faith in the people on T.V.   
You could say I'd lost my belief in our politicians   
They all seemed like game show hosts to me  
If I ever lose my faith in you  
There'd be nothing left for me to do  
I could be lost inside their lies without a trace   
But every time I close my eyes, I see your face   
  
_  
We sit for a while, not saying anything. Sure is quiet outside this late at night. Not a whole lot of cars, and for sure not a lot of people. I can see a little piece of the sky from where I'm sitting, it's all sooty red, sort of. Lights on the clouds. It reminds me a little of the way the light is before a big storm, it comes from everywhere and nowhere. I close my eyes and just listen to his heart (kind of weird if you think about it, why would a spirit have a heart? But I've never thought of him as anything else than another living person, even if he doesn't have a body of his own right now, so I guess it makes sense for me to hear his heart beating).   
  
It's like being in Grandpa's lap, when I really was just a kid. It's that same 'I'm-safe' sort of feeling. I don't remember my parents much; hardly at all. I miss them, or maybe it's more I wish I'd known them better. Would've been nice to have a dad to do things with, a mom to tuck me in at night. Grandpa did the best he could, and I love him a whole lot, but I do wish I'd know Mom and Dad.  
  
I think.. I think my Dad... might've been a lot like Yami. I LIKE to think that. He makes me feel the same way Grandpa did, still does. Warm and secure, like nothing is ever gonna get too bad for me to bear, no matter how bad it looks going in. Yami just makes me feel more that. I know I can trust him to be there for me.  
  
It's me being able to be there when HE needs ME that I worry about.  
  
I sit up a little, and look up. He's been watching me this whole time, not saying anything till I felt ready to talk  
--I'm just worrying too much to get to sleep.  
  
--The Rare Hunters again?  
  
--Those... and everything. It just gets going around and around in my head. Why am I the 'Chosen One'? Is it just because I put the Puzzle together? And what am I supposed to do? What're WE supposed to do? How can I help you when neither one of us really knows what's going on? It's like some crazy tug of war, only we're the rope. I'm SCARED. Scared of something happening to my friends, to Grandpa... scared I'm going to let you down somehow.  
  
--You haven't yet.  
  
--But what if I DO?!  
  
--Friends stand by each other in everything, you know, and face their fears together. You SHOULD know. You're the one that taught me that. Primarily by shoving me out on a sidewalk with Téa standing in front of me.  
  
Jeez, he's NEVER going to let me forget that. But the look on his face was priceless. I laugh every time I think about it, like right now. --Well, I couldn't exactly TELL you I wanted you to talk with her, cause you might've chickened out on me. And I really did think talking with her would help. It always helps me think better. It was all I knew to do.  
  
--It did help. Even though it opened up more questions at least it pointed us in the right direction. And there was more to it than that, now wasn't there.  
  
AGH, play innocent, play innocent! --Ummmm I don't know what you mean.  
  
--My light, do you REALLY think you can lie to me?  
  
OOps. --Guess not. Busted, huh?  
  
--As 'busted' as 'busted' can be.  
  
I hesitate, a second, I'm not really sure how to put this, so finally I just tell him flat out. --She really does like you you know.  
  
--And you?  
  
NO WAY HE SAID THAT! I can feel my face turn red. That's the FARTHEST thing from the way I feel about him. Go to BED? With YAMI? That's, just, I mean, not gonna happen! Sure, I know, if everyone could see me sitting there holding on to him they'd probably think I was... you know... 'that way' about boys. But I'm not. And I'm REALLY not about Yami.  
  
--I don't like you!! Uh, I mean, I DO like you, but NOT LIKE THAT!  
  
He starts chuckling and I realize he was teasing again. Talk about getting played. --I know. I meant, what about you. What do YOU feel about Téa?  
  
--She's... she's the greatest. But I really... you know... I don't think she thinks of me like that. I wish she did... but if she doesn't... it's okay. I don't mind. I can't mind... not when it's you.  
  
And I don't, which really gets me. You'd think I'd be jealous. I've only had a crush on Téa for YEARS. I can't be though. He's everything I want to be: smart, strong, tough, courageous. I don't think I could be jealous about anything he does.   
  
After a second or two of thought he says, --Am I more important than you then?  
  
--You are to me. I don't understand it, but... you just are. I'd do anything. Even...  
  
Tighter hug, and I don't need the Millenium Eye to know he's thinking of the same things I am. Pegasus and Bandit Keith. I nearly died both times. --Even risk your life, he murmurs.   
  
--Yeah. I guess..... I guess I love you. That's the only word that fits, but it's so much bigger than that, the way I feel. It's like you're part of me. A part I forgot I had. When you're with me, I still feel scared, or nervous, or mad, but at the same time I feel like I can get past it all if I have to, because you're there. I, I... I don't know what I'd do if I woke up one day and you weren't there any more.   
  
--You would go on without me. You're strong enough to do that. You're so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You got along without me for 15 years. And you matter every bit as much as I do. We're partners, remember?  
  
--I remember. Still doesn't mean I want to be without you. It's funny; you'd think I'd feel, well, crowded. But it's just not like that. It's still my hands, my eyes, my feelings; you don't take anything away from me. I don't feel like I'm missing out, or giving up part of my life. Even that crack Malik made about my being just your vessel... that didn't bother me nearly as much as the thought of him getting his hands on my Puzzle and doing something to you. I'm not ABOUT to let him get his way.   
  
--I understand what you're trying to say. You only echo my own feelings. I can't explain them any more than you can, but the thought of losing contact with you is something I would do almost anything to avoid. ALMOST.  
  
That makes me feel good. --I understand. I wouldn't want you to either.  
  
--Never again. Not if I can find ANY other way around it that doesn't call for sacrificing the lives of others. Because you know Malik may not leave us the option of a better way. He hasn't given us any evidence that HE means to hesitate. Assuming the absolute worst happens, if he didn't kill you while he was trying to win the Puzzle, he'd certainly send you to worse than death.   
  
--I don't like it...  
  
--I don't have much taste for it myself. But there is a difference between us; I can see there may come a time when there's need for it. You can't. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying that my way is right and yours is wrong. In this case you're more forgiving than I am, and it takes a great deal to forgive. All I'm saying is that we may not be given the choice of forgiveness. If nothing else, though... if nothing else at all... you know that way, that choice, will never come lightly. That's the difference between us and Malik. He perceives nothing wrong with using someone up and throwing them away. Any life other than his own matters nothing to him at all. We value any life, even those of our enemies, as much as we value our own.  
  
--But we have to, don't we? I mean, if we start thinking they don't matter as much, what stops us from thinking that other people don't matter either?  
  
--Exactly. A human life shouldn't be thrown away. But sometimes a life must pay for a life, or buy it rather. You'd give your life to save me; I'd give mine-- if you can call my existence 'life'-- for you. We'd both give our lives for our friends. And if it came to the choice of a friend's life or an enemy's...  
  
I break in on him then. --Can we talk about something else? You're right, I know, but... I can't... I can't make that choice. It's just not something I can face.  
  
--I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to turn this into a debate.  
  
--S'okay.  
  
--Do you think you can sleep now? You need to rest. Tomorrow is another day of the tournament.  
  
I'm starting to feel like I could sleep now. But... --Will... you stay with me a little while longer? Just till I'm asleep?  
  
--I can do better than that.  
  
Before I can figure out what he means he's standing up and scooping me up into his arms. I didn't know he was that strong. Sure, I've felt him touch me before, so I know he CAN touch me, even if he can't touch anything else. He must've been going crazy during the fire, knowing that even if he picked me up just like this it wouldn't do any good, since he couldn't have opened the door to get me out, and he couldn't help me get the Puzzle down either. Joey and Tris saved us both that time.  
  
He turns, walking over to the window, as I put my head down on his shoulder and get comfortable, and he starts to hum. A lullaby? It's pretty, whatever it is, and it's soothing. Now I'm REALLY getting sleepy.   
  
How do you always know, Yami? How come you know so much about me? When I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I really need you to remind me we can make it if we stick together. You don't have to say a word; just your being here is enough. You trust me, I trust you. You always answer my questions, even if they're the kind you might not want to be answering (I try not to ask too many of those anyway).   
  
You make the shadows go away. Like you told Panik, there's nothing to be afraid of in the dark. You ARE the dark... and you're my best friend. The best friend I'll ever have. The friend I hope will stay with me always. When I believe in you... when I have faith in you...I know we're going to win this fight, because I can see something in your eyes when you look back at me.   
  
I can see that you've got faith in ME.  
  
  
_I never saw no miracle of science   
That didn't go from a blessing to a curse   
I never saw no military solution   
That didn't always end up as something worse,   
But let me say this first   
  
If I ever lose my faith in you   
If I ever lose my faith in you   
There'd be nothing left for me to do   
There'd be nothing left for me to do   
If I ever lose my faith   
If I ever lose my faith   
If I ever lose my faith   
If I ever lose my faith in you_  
  
Sting, "If I Ever Lose My Faith In You"  



End file.
